11
Apr 11

What Will You Write When You Write About Me?

T__ and I had scheduled our slumber party for Saturday/Sunday. I was hoping we’d meet around lunchtime to spend the better part of the day together, but her invite was for 5:30. She was hosting, and one does not argue with one’s host.

I’d acquired weed and an artisan-baked cake as gifts / weapons of mass seduction. We spent most of the night talking, listening to music, drinking, eating too-rich food, and smoking. In the midst of our party there was a knock at the door and T__ didn’t want to answer it. Maybe she was feeling a little paranoid. Her visitor turned out to be one of her sons, who had forgotten something he needed. I heard him ask whose car was out front. From the first time we met, T__ had emphasized the separation she keeps between her kids and her romances. “My friend J__,” I heard her reply matter-of-fact-like.

There was talk of going out, but G__ town isn’t known for nightlife, and neither of us seemed very compelled to leave. “Or we could stay in.” I nodded and grinned with as much mischief as I could possibly muster.

I wanted to get to it. I knew we wouldn’t rip one another’s clothes off the minute I arrived — that there’s a great deal of pleasure to be had in the courtship itself. The meaningful glances, the innuendo, the stray hand on the knee — all great foreplay when you both know it’s appropriate to think of them that way.

We crawled into bed and cuddled and watched a silly DVD she thought I’d like (It was good-not-great). Earlier in the night, the awkward, adult negotiations had already begun: a rough accounting of past sexual partners, how careful we’d been, how long it had been since STD testing.

I’ve danced around the neighborhood of this topic with women before, though perhaps without as much clinical precision. T__ strikes me as an experienced, carefree, fun-loving girl. When she told me her partner count was mine +2, my instincts shouted bullshit, and as I’ve noted here before, my instincts have been on a pretty strong track-record recently.

It is said that cheaters will often accuse their partners of cheating. Their own indiscretions have made them guilty and wary to the point of paranoia. T__ kept emphasizing both how careful she was and how much she feared STDs etc. I couldn’t help but think this was the sort of fixation I’d expect from someone who’d once caught something. Still, I’m no (complete) fool, and it has become more than a passing thought that I should get tested. I found myself a bit ashamed when forced to admit that I hadn’t yet been.

These negotiations continued even after she turned out the lights out and we quickly encroached on the heart of the matter. I never push intercourse — I have too much fun with everything else to be unnecessarily fixated. So I agreed (with only the slightest disappointment) that we wouldn’t be having sex.

Despite much solemn agreement that oral sex was just as dangerous, soon I was going down on her. Was the downward pressure on my shoulder only in my imagination? It seemed so very clear at the time. I can safely say that the last of her resolve melted there (I could hear it leaving), though I didn’t assume so at the time.

After another embarrassing (if fair) round of questions, she was returning the favor. There is no reliable comparison, but I don’t often find myself able to get off on a blowjob, so I can only say that this must surely have ranked among my best. I wasn’t ready to stop, so I pulled her to me. “Get on top of me; just for a minute. Please.” I genuinely did not mean, “have sex with me now.” It was the body-to-body intimacy I was after, but then soon we were.

She insisted on two condoms, which A) I’ve always heard was both silly and less effective and therefore decreased my opinion of her somewhat substantially B) was a pretty big pain in the ass since the second one refused to roll more than three quarters of the way down my shaft. It wasn’t really working, and the surplus condom was quickly discarded. Afterwards, all was groovy.

We both slept a bit fitfully for the first half of the night, but more soundly in the second and snoozed late into the morning listening to the birds. She made us a delicious breakfast in bed. I wanted to get it on again, but T__ always squirmed away. Neither of us were at our freshest; I don’t feel very attractive in the morning either, but I’m almost always horny.

We showered, dressed, went for coffee, talked, flirted. We went to see the permanent collection at a local art museum. It was a mixed bag ranging from awful to awesome which lent plenty to talk about. We got lunch in a beautiful courtyard. We talked about our plans for the evening and getting ready for the week ahead. She’d made plans earlier in the week to meet a friend around five. I was hoping she’d cancel it, but she postponed to six-thirty. I looked at my phone. It was nearly four and we hadn’t paid the check. The chances for more sex were falling to zero fast.

We went back to her place and had more cake, weed, and alcohol. I was almost instantly more fucked-up than I wanted to be and I think she was too. I let her continue telling her stories just trying to stay attentive. I didn’t really care about what she was saying — another tale about an old friend I’d probably never meet, a narrative apropos of nothing. My lack of attention started with simple carnal desire, but as I tried to keep focus, I kept returning to that old Eleanor Roosevelt quote: “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.

I try to withhold judgement knowing that I’m intoxicated and my conversation partner is intoxicated. Even these articles, which I try to put some thought into, and are usually composed while sober, are heavy on people and events, while light on raw ideas. Still, as my mind wandered, and my inebriated mind took in the wash of her facial expressions and tone of voice, there was the hint of something I didn’t like. The first crack in an otherwise wonderful personality, perhaps the thing I’d look back on with disgust given time, once I’d given it a name.


07
Apr 11

K__ and I had a parent teacher conference this afternoon. (I__ is doing great, which was a relief since there were some minor worries early in the year he might be exhibiting signs of emotional distress.) The original plan had been for me to pick up I__ beforehand (it being my scheduled day). K__ has begun a part-time waitressing job at a new restaurant downtown during lunch. It’s too early to say if the money will be much to speak of, but it’s got to be better than nothing. I’m eager to discuss further adjusting our financial arrangement, but I get the feeling the whole business will stay highly erratic.

It was a slow day today, so they sent her home early. Rather than drive home to C__ town only to turn around and come back out to the school in R__ town, she called and invited me to lunch. I’ve been pretty busy at the office this week — trying to get a big project out, and the rest of the team keeps piling on “last minute” changes. If I didn’t go eat soon, I’d probably end up skipping it altogether. I was out pretty late the last two nights, and the whole day was in danger of taking a dive to match my blood sugar.

Lunch with K__ wasn’t very high on my List Of Things I Really Feel Like Doing Today, but what the hell, it wouldn’t kill me. Truth is, my social energy is running a bit close to empty — it very nearly wouldn’t matter who the company was. Between the alcohol, staying out late, and … well, one story at a time. Occasionally it’d be fair to call me a misanthrope — this wasn’t one of those times, but let’s not push our luck, ok?

Lunch was lunch. No drama, neither enjoyable nor difficult, neither noteworthy nor boring. We ate, we talked kid business, job business, small-talk, we left. The only thing that struck me was that it was the first time the two of us have shared a meal (without I__) in well over a year. Two wouldn’t surprise me. It was surreal and yet the only thing surreal about it was that it was occurring in the first place.

In the past few weeks, the number of opportunities to pass my card to seemingly interested women has undergone a significant upturn, and yet they neither call nor write.

I’ve done a couple meet-for-beers dates via internet. Absolute non-events. They’re more fun than going out alone, so I’ll probably keep doing it. That in itself is the disappointing part.

S__ and I burned through several drinks and hours together earlier this week. Our bar hopping landed us adjacent a table of women celebrating a birthday. They were mostly a little older, but several had not lost that screechy I-Just-Turned-Twenty-One-EEEEEEK! I had no chance to take any kind of evasive action. I looked up just as they descended on our table. The stand-out attractive one pulled up next to S__. A friendly, if larger, one dropped in next to me. Conversation went around the table, but favorites had likely been decided before “hello.”

After a polite half-hour, getting up the nerve to talk to the hot brunette / blonde pair at the bar started looking completely sensible. “Save me from the birthday girls,” I said. “Five minutes.”

She did, and it was fun, and I was glad I went for it, but … If it was bull, it’s the best bull I’ve ever heard: after the initial smalltalk I asked what she did for fun. At the time, it sounded like she was describing herself as a soft-core porn star, but later, I realized she probably meant that she was part of some kind of swinger group that trades videos. I know what you’re thinking: “This is a problem, why?!” But she says she’s happily married.

By the time I returned to S__, the dynamic had changed and I chatted up another woman in the group. This one didn’t seem so bad — was that the alcohol talking? I’d certainly been drinking a lot faster than usual. She seemed bored. I was introduced to another (where were they coming from anyway?) and we struck up an effortless, interesting conversation. She was tall and opposite-of-beer-goggles attractive — seeing her was a wave of sobriety. The moment comes for my clever, PG-rated innuendo, and forty-five seconds later she’s apologizing and revealing that she’s gay and with the bored girl.

The bar closed soon after, and I left S__ as he was crawling into one of those taxi vans with the pick of the pack and two or three of the remaining revelers. I didn’t get three blocks away and the phone rings, “The one in the pink skirt asks, ‘what happened to your friend?’”

I hadn’t even talked to the one in the pink skirt. Knowing it was pointless, I changed course and drove to the apartment and drank another beer and tried to be charming with the annoying, unpretty ones while S__ snuck off to the bedroom with W__. Only on my way home did it dawn on me — I’d heard of “grenades” before, and I’d just dived on two of them without even thinking about it. Come to think of it, that’s just how those foxhole stories go.

Last night we went out again. It was more of the same — a couple of opportunities that turn into one half-way decent conversation that’s a complete dead end. He wanted to meet up with this younger woman he’s had the hots for. She was out with friends at a college bar close by that I’d never been to or heard of. Now I know why. It sucked. I tried to muscle through, but my only out was going to be hitting on trashy, barely-twenty-one year-olds and I just didn’t have the ‘nads for it. So, I split.

I should be grateful there’s any night-life at all on a Wednesday night, or for that one briefly entertaining conversation, or that K__ and I can share lunch without it being a big deal. But I’m not. It isn’t enough and I’m not going to pretend.


27
Mar 11

A Handful of Small Fractions That Do Not Add Up to One

A__ and I had such a good time flirting over brunch a couple weeks ago and talking about our respective exploits that we agreed to go out this weekend. We decided on dinner Friday night. I nearly caused a fuss with K__ squirming out of watching I__ (technically it was my scheduled weekend off) but I’d been looking forward to this. Naturally, A__ promptly fell asleep after work and stood me up. I wallowed in Murphy’s Law and self-pity for a little while, but then the whole episode gave me a great idea for a writing project making forgiveness nearly instant. I went out alone and met up with some acquaintances — it was fun; the simple, genuine stuff of making new friends. The bars closed and I walked back to my car, alone but in a good mood. A pretty girl (with two guys) said hello to me, and I said hello back without stopping. It wasn’t until the morning I realized the mistake.

A__ had sent a text around 1 AM confirming what I’d already deduced. We got brunch Sunday and caught up. She’s beautiful and intelligent but a little neurotic about her guy hangups. We bond over this mutual flaw and I wonder if it’s not every bit as dangerous as alcoholics who call themselves “drinking buddies.” I lured her to my studio for some tea and kissed her, but she didn’t seem into it. We talked a long time and it didn’t feel awkward even though it could (should?) have.

Saturday, I was T__’s “plus one” for a wedding. She lives a couple towns away, so most of our relationship has forged over email. We went out once, and I thought for sure we were hitting it off, but when I tried to kiss her goodnight she turned and presented a cheek. When she sent the wedding invite the word “date” was in scare-quotes.

She promised we’d (there would be four of us) do the ceremony and reception and blow out of there by eight or so and hit the town in style. I figured it’d be fun, even if it wasn’t Fun ™. As the day approached, her emails got more suggestive, and she kept the momentum going once we met up before the event yesterday afternoon. She was dressed to kill, as was I. I’d gotten a devil’s haircut, a fancy new dress shirt and skinny tie — red to match my rock-n-roll belt. She had some kind of lacy, long-sleeve top over which she had a little dress that hit her about mid-thigh. She had these great, colorful tights, and was showing a whole lot of leg. Have to say, we looked pretty hot.

I won’t retell the sordid drama here, but T__’s friend K__ didn’t have a date because her plus-one had been revoked. Don’t ask me — I didn’t understand it, and they actually told me the story. She wasn’t looking forward to flying solo, and I didn’t blame her. We all talked a lot of trash and joked around on the way to the hall together. K__ said we had to stop talking about sex now because she was getting turned on and didn’t have a date. “Excellent,” I thought to myself, “it’s working.”

At the reception, K__ warned me to cut T__ off at her second glass of wine, but what was I going to do? By the time we were having champagne and cake, her flirt was starting to turn downright raunchy and if I’d been able to scope out a private spot for us to disappear to, I would have gone for it.

We (five of us now) ended up in one of the coolest bars I’ve ever seen, which is good because I’d soon need the entertainment. T__ had sent texts to some locals to meet up with us. I was hoping this was an attempt to find K__ some guys to play with, and perhaps, initially, it was. In no time, I was feigning a lot of interest in the piano player’s chord fingerings because she was paying attention to everyone and anyone but me. Dancing, hanging on necks, holding hands. I tried not to be jealous, and it was working — working a lot like if I was trying not to fall asleep, or breathe, or come. Only a matter of time.

She circled back around eventually and seemed all about me as if she’d never left my side in the first place. I surmised that she was, in fact, wasted. She wanted to split another whiskey. I protested. She begged. I dodged. She worked her hand under my shirt and ran her nails down my back. Damn. I made one more weak attempt to derail her and she dug in hard. I said, “Uncle!” and she didn’t immediately let go. It was hot, but I’m a total pussy about pain.

I started doing the math: How drunk I was vs how drunk she was vs our respective body weights. If I knew what was good for me, I’d make sure I kept at least 80% of this drink to myself. By the time I could get another pour from our sharply-dressed and competent (if perhaps deliberate and unhurried) bartender, I’d completely lost her attention again.

Her friends noticed this. Hell, even the guys she was pawing noticed, and eventually there was a polite intervention. They probably felt sorry for me, and if anything, that was the embarrassing part. I don’t like to let people use alcohol as an excuse for shitty behavior, but I found myself giving her a pass.

I found us a nice spot to sit, and got busy working on a kiss. She nearly bit my lips off. On the one hand, I was disappointed (ouch!) and on the other, so willingly being led to slaughter.

Our party moved to the dance club next door, much to my chagrin. T__ said later she didn’t like it and didn’t want to be there in the first place, but she could have fooled me. For one, I could have sworn she was the instigator, and two she spent the better part of the time we were there simulating sex acts on my leg. I did my best to oblige her despite A) being a terrible dancer B) noticing we were the only white people there and C) noticing we were the only people simulating sex acts, period. At some point, I quit bothering to hide needing to adjust my erection.

We dropped off another couple and the three of us got back to K__’s place around 2AM, exhausted and hungry, munching fries and drinking too-sweet milkshakes. I tested the waters for a cuddly sleepover, but it wasn’t happening. Instead, T__ said we should plan a “slumber party” for the next weekend we’re both free. We kissed goodbye again at the door, although by now, no kiss would be enough.

I had a 1000% better time than I’d anticipated and drove home trying very hard not to think about the fact that I’d easily just spent $250.


27
Mar 11

Penis Size Around the World

Penis Size Around the World

The joke that should go here is DIY.


23
Mar 11

Porn For Women

Interesting article on the subject of “Porn for Women” at Salon.


18
Mar 11

Spotting

I just ran into E__ for the first time since our not-exactly-a-breakup. It’s a beautiful, sunny Spring day out, and I’d connived a friend into joining me for lunch at a sidewalk spot. R__ town isn’t that big, and I’ve been expecting us to cross paths for weeks. The fact that we hadn’t until now has only made it the more weird — a tiny knot of anticipation growing slowly over the days. We made the requisite small-talk, exchanged the how’s-it-goings, the nice-to-see-yous. It was as easy as such a thing can be.

She looked fantastic, as usual. I still miss her. There, I said it. (*sigh*)


16
Mar 11

The Dunning–Kruger Effect

What I know about love
would barely fill my coffee cup.
Just enough to enlighten a teenager
who wouldn’t like the taste.

A mere handful of total hours spent together
is usually plenty
seal the deal and become lovers
or regrets.

The hand I’ve been counting mine on
is finally full.
In America you’re my thumb,
but in Europe, the pinky.

Your name has so many letters
but only this one syllable.
My tongue doesn’t bother trying
to make sense of it.

Since I was a boy, I’ve rolled them
over inside my mouth.
What might one taste like
if it stayed, there, between two teeth?

How sweet, sour or bitter would it be to say,
“I love you ____.”
“I missed you ____.”
“____, are you ok?”

Twenty questions to guess one another’s tattoos, but we didn’t keep track.
Yours a secret hidden in plain sight.
Even ancient myths are unsure how many Pleiades sisters there really are.
A freckle mingles there pretending itself ink.

We broke some kind of record, you and I.
Asking each other if it was too soon
before we were completely sure
we wanted to.

We counted the months since our last.
You told me you might not get off
because it was our first time together.
I liked the implication,
the challenge.

It has been four days.
The text messages we’ve exchanged
land weightless.
Forever is a very long time.


13
Mar 11

Stacked Weekend

After a solid week or two of maneuvering, I’d managed to stack dates four deep by the time this weekend finally sauntered in. This is neither my usual M.O. nor preference — I’m a quality over quantity man any day. And frankly, my favorite quantity is “one”. As the bastard said though, you don’t go to war with the army you want, you go to war with the army you have. And all’s fair, right?

Not only is it not my natural instinct to pursue more than one romantic interest at a time, but it goes against every basic understanding of Murphy’s Law and good sense to do what I did — scheduling four within forty-eight hours.

I have discussed this with friends over the years ad nauseum, and the consensus hasn’t budged — hate the player and/or the game all you want to, but this approach works. By “works” I don’t mean “will get you laid” (although that may be true as well), I mean “will keep you from spending stupid amounts of time unnecessarily alone.”

Your dates will cancel. They will stand you up. Jello-like loose plans to get together Saturday night will never actually solidify into a specific time and place at all. Some clever researcher has probably gathered statistics on this, and while it would satisfy my intellectual curiosity, I can’t help but think it varies widely from person to person. How generally attractive are you to the opposite sex? What kinds of people do you go out with? What venues / situations / etc do you meet them in? And, perhaps most importantly, do you aim high or low (so-to-speak)?

A good friend reminded me that we are all monkeys — highly intelligent monkeys (perhaps some of us), but monkeys. And monkeys just want to have monkey sex. A lot of monkey sex. Genetic imperative and all that. You don’t have to like it or even behave like it, but Darwin doesn’t give a goddamn how it makes you feel. At the end of the day, everyone wants to have the most, best sex with the most, best partners they can.

Friday night I went to a show by myself. Doing this makes me itch with anxiety, but I’ve been practicing my Don’t Give A Shit face, and after a good amount of faking it, I’m beginning to make it. Four women who want to go out with me, and I couldn’t get one of them to agree to Friday. However, I knew the shape and size of my little black book even if no one else there did, and the old mojo was therefore in a happy place. I caught a few smiles and did a little flirting, didn’t catch any traction and didn’t feel like I needed to be disappointed. When the bar flipped the lights on at closing, I was talking to, not one, but two pretty grad students. It was all nowhere fast, but good fun none-the-less.

Saturday had me sweating — by late afternoon I’d not heard from either Woman 1 or Woman 2. I’d already decided not to play favorites — it was going to be first come, first served. As afternoon became evening, I just knew that I was going to get myself busted double-booking. Two points: 1) Woman 1 called and we had a fine time, thanks (more on this later), but Woman 2 was MIA. No harm, no foul. 2) Even had there been a conflict (which I’m arguing isn’t statistically likely), it makes you more desirable to be unavailable. Note: don’t get too cocky and cancel a re-scheduled date.

Sunday was easier. Woman 3 and I are currently platonic (we’ll see about that) and scheduled brunch. Woman 4 wasn’t available until later in the afternoon. Safe enough — I figured the worst case scenario was that I’d end up sleeping with Woman 1 or Woman 2 making it impossible to guarantee keeping my brunch date, and/or awkward to get a private moment to text an apologetic cancellation. Altogether, that’s a pretty fantastic worst-case.

Naturally, I know assuming I can get away with this repeatedly puts me on a collision course with disaster. It worked out beautifully this time, but one cannot roll the dice and avoid snake-eyes indefinitely. But it hasn’t happened yet.

Also: T-minus one hour until coffee with the woman mentioned in the last post. Still not quite sure how to handle this ill-gotten knowledge.


09
Mar 11

Reader Poll

A few hours ago, I posted the following on Twitter:

Don’t care about Lent, but can appreciate shaking up your status quo. Think I’ll give up cyber-prowling for a week.

You’re about to gain some insight into how long I can usually stick to self-imposed abstention. (Hint, it’s measured in minutes)

In much the same way no one quits smoking in the middle of a pack, I decided to take one last lap around my favorite dating/prowling websites, and boy do I wish I hadn’t. (I am well aware that wishing I hadn’t is proof I was on to something with my little experiment in self-control.)

A few days ago, I had a nice chat with a woman from datingSite.com, and after hitting it off, she asked me out. (I know, right?) We have loose plans for Sunday. She told me her name (first only), and being the curious (and technically inclined) sort, I plugged it into Facebook along with her city to see what I could see. Most of the time, the needle stays lost in the haystack (and probably for the best). Her name isn’t uncommon — especially, I’d guess, in this geographical region — so I didn’t expect to find much. Besides, who can see anything in those Facebook thumbnails? Well, I’ll tell you what you can see — redheads — they show up just fine. Not only that, but Facebook saw fit to put her in the top three or four results.

The next thing you know I’ve got a last name, and with a first name and a last name a person could Google, so Google a person did.

She’s got quite a story, it turns out, and a lot of it is online. I don’t want to divulge enough detail here that her identity is compromised (ironic, no?), but here’s the short of it: She’s got [genetically caused disease], and has had two [major organ] transplants. She’s written a book and has a blog about it, etc. Very inspirational and whatnot. Important detail: her dating profile does not mention this.

Two questions for you all:

  • How creepy am I?
  • When the topic comes up as inevitably, it must. Do I pretend it’s news? (I am terrible at this and will fail) Do I confess? Preemptively?

Shit.


09
Mar 11

Tears

I’ve never been one of those manly men who felt crying somehow made you less of one. I always thought I was fairly emotional, in fact. I’d have regular crying spells well into my teens. As I got older (and happier), this diminished — probably along with the last trickles of pubescent hormones that were the catalyst in the first place. In any case, I had plenty of experience breaking down in public as a child, and far from scaring me in some way, I now feel empowered to express myself come-what-may.

When K__ and I split, I fully expected to spend some (a lot of) time crying myself to sleep, rocking back-and-forth in the corner, etc. When it actually happened, the only thing I felt was alternating numbness and nausea. Was this some kind of sub-conscious, mental-health defense mechanism? Was I now one of those jaded, broken people I see in the street and had sworn to never become? A week went by. A month. A year. Still haven’t cried — about K__.

A few nights ago, I realized that I’d been brought to tears at least three times in the last twenty-four hours:

  • Ray Charles singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green”
  • A documentary short about a tattooed hipster in Portland putting his sick dog to sleep. I don’t even like dogs.
  • An obviously emotionally-manipulative Youtube piece about a quadriplegic-eque man who gives inspirational talks to school kids. I’ve apparently lost my immunity.

It’s good to know I’ve not lost this part of myself, but I can’t help but wonder why this is happening now.