I’ve been doing a little side work to try to make some headway financially, but probably at the expense of my full-time gig, and that could end up backfiring in precisely a very bad way. There are other, strategic career reasons for taking on extra work, but I don’t know that I can sustain the intensity without damaging some other part of my life I care about.
I wasn’t Capitol H Happy with J__, but I’d decided to take a deep breath and see where things went. I disabled my dating profile — not because I wasn’t looking, but because there never seemed like there was anything to see.
I try to be confessional and honest here, and my fingers pause over the keys, not wanting to discuss whether or not I should/might feel guilty about sleeping with T__ after kindof-but-not-really agreeing with J__ not to. Definitely increases my douche-quotient a point. I did that thing where I told myself I’d already decided not to see J__ any longer (if anything, I’d been leaning the opposite direction). Regardless, she beat me to it, ending things the very next day (made me a bit paranoid actually). She said she didn’t think she could see me any more because I didn’t seem that into her. This was undeniable and somewhat self-evident, so it died, peacefully, right then and there.
My car gave up the ghost too, and I’m moving. I suddenly felt relieved to be officially single — one less complication (even if both that attitude and the situation itself are temporary).
In an embarrassing moment of weakness, I sent an email to E__ saying I missed her. It wasn’t crazy or anything — like three sentences. I’ve mused more than once that I wonder if I’m feeling a little how she felt before she moved — stressed, looking to simplify, looking to upgrade. Maybe that’s why I “miss” her. She wrote back (a-hem — twenty-four-hours later — long after I’d had plenty of time to curse my relationship with the Send button) with a kind, intelligent note that completely ignored the elephant in the room, but did invite me to her house to see her renovations.
I’m not sure how many days later I was back browsing the online dating pool. I didn’t send out (or receive) many messages — mostly, I’ve found myself increasingly disgusted with the available options. But, V__ was a face I hadn’t seen there before. She gave me a bit of that out-of-your-league vibe I’m so into. Sometimes it’s like I send these women notes just for batting practice — just to get back in the swing of things, as it were. Lo and behold…
We went to get beers yesterday afternoon, and I even got a little good-bye smooch. The first wave of summer finally broke, and the temperature’s back in the hospitable zone. It’s almost like a last taste of spring, and I fear for how short such a feeling must necessarily be. But god is it delicious right now.
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Everyone Googles everyone now, right? Right? Guys? Hello?
I just found her creative writing master thesis. There’s a lot of different ways this could go…