None of the very fine ladies who said they would/might stop by the studio actually did. Or I missed them somehow; very glad I didn’t get my hopes up in any case. E__ was at the bar last night and, I’m guessing, a lot more sober.
It’s all but dead downtown today, at least on the street, as everyone finishes up their Christmas preparations or is traveling. We just got back from lunch, where, as we were leaving, one of the staff said hi. “We met Saturday at T__’s party. J__, right? I’m A__.” I didn’t recognize her at first, mostly because in Saturday’s light her hair had looked very dark, whereas now, it looked almost blonde. Also, she’s one of the trio I thought couldn’t wait to ditch me. It was a very nice surprise to be remembered–and spoken to! P__ says she’s married, though. That sucks, I guess, but I’ve started to expect that as the norm over the last handful of years. Again, can’t be disappointed about something you didn’t think was possible in the first place.
While we were eating lunch, both P__ and I couldn’t help but be a little distracted by the women at the next table. What with all the cleavage spilling out and all. It would’ve been nicer, but I kept noticing little turn-offs. The weather-inappropriate clothing. The probably-fake boobs. The stilletto-heeled boots (not my favorite, sorry). The French nails (a growing pet anti-fetish of mine). And the topper–when splitting the bill, the biggest pile of cash I’ve seen in quite some time, counted, recounted, and generally in plain site for far longer than I would have assumed anyone would be comfortable with. All of it screamed escort, or stripper at least. Like most of what passes for true in my imagination, I’m probably way off base. She’s probably just a waitress somewhere with a stupid dress code. Occams razor.
Everything comes into focus around holidays. Emotions that usually are visible only as soft shadows become harsh, crisp, unmistakable. I don’t remember the last time I was alone Christmas Eve, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it. D__’s relationship is under stress, and the holidays are looking more like something to be survived than enjoyed. My friend J__, who’s also working his way through a divorce, provided the perfect metaphor via his Twitter page. One snapshot of his afternoon, simple, and honest–the image hangs heavy with melancholy. The pain of being lonely is not in the present tense, but in the implied, uncertain future. How much longer will this last, and how much longer will I be able to stand it?
This is definitely the first time in my life that loneliness has been self-imposed. I’ve been invited numerous times to spend Christmas Eve with my wife and her family (and my son naturally). It’s tempting (perhaps the way dental work is tempting), but seems dishonest and weak. As many times as I’ve accused K__ of wanting to have her cake and eat it too, I don’t know how to reconcile the conflicting desires. On the one hand, I ought to be spending this time with my boy, and K__’s family is fantastic and supportive. Even K__ herself is tolerable or better the vast majority of the time. However, if we’re really separating/separated then are we not supposed to be figuring out how to navigate this time apart? Isn’t it to be expected that sometimes being together will look enticing just as separating looked enticing when we were together? The easy thing to do isn’t always wrong, but it sure seems like it.
I spoke with a woman last night who said she separated many months ago, got back together, and ended up separating again. K__ and I did a little of that when we were dating, but I don’t have any desire to repeat the pattern, nor do I think it would do anything but further confuse I__.
I can only assume that, much like Thanksgiving, the thing itself will be mostly enjoyable. It’s only the anticipation that’s sad and frightening. Overall, I’m feeling quite festive this year. I’ve decorated, spent a truly American sum of money on gifts, and I’m looking forward to the long weekend and time with loved-ones. All the best to you and yours. Merry Fucking Christmas!